Justice Served

Max Stein-Golenbock Mar 2, 2018 

“As I understand it, you are in no position to sneeze at that thought,” she told me.

“The sneeze you are referring to was unrelated to that thought, madam,” I said.

“Even so, even so. A sneeze is a sneeze, I’m afraid, and that sneeze, whether you meant it to be or not, was directed at that thought,” she said.

“It wasn’t though. How do you know it was directed at that thought? It could have been directed at that bird in the window,” I said.

“Was it directed at that bird in the window?” she said.

“Well, no, but- “ I said.

“Let the records show, the defendant has admitted the sneeze was in fact not directed at that bird in the window,” she said.

A murmuring rose up from the back of the room.

“Order! Order in the court!” she said and banged her gavel three times.

“Unless you can prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt, the intent and target of that sneeze, we will recognize the sneeze as an admission of guilt” she said.

“But that’s backwards,” I said.

“Sir, I’ll have you know, nothing in my courtroom is backwards,” she said.

“What about that painting?” I said, pointing to the painting hanging with its back facing outwards.

“Are you being smart with me?” she said.

“No ma’am,” I said.

“Because, you’re not smart. You’re not a smart man, so don’t go trying to act all smart all of a sudden,” she said, and there was a rise of snickering from the back of the room.

“No ma’am,” I said.

“No ma’am?” she said.

“Yes ma’am,” I said.

“Yes ma’am what?” she said.

“Yes ma’am, I’m agreeing with you,” I said.

“Good, so you’re agreeing that you’re not a smart man. Clarence, let the records show the defendant has agreed that he is not a smart man,” she said.

“The records show it,” the man named Clarence said.

“I’m not saying that,“ I said.

“You’re not saying what?” she said.

“I’m not saying that I’m not a smart man,” I said.

“Then what are you saying, Mr. Peterson? Please- do us all a favor and pray tell- what are you saying?” she said.

“I’m just saying that- I don’t know. I’m saying that I- I didn’t sneeze at that thought. That’s a very good, worthy thought, and I would never think to sneeze at it. And I just think it’s unfair that you’re assuming my guilt on the matter, when it should be the other way around. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Innocent until proven guilty? I just think it’s unfair. It’s not fair. Madam, Your honor,” I said.

“Well said,” my lawyer whispered into my ear, and patted me on the shoulder.

There was a silence in the room.

“Is that your statement?” she said.

“Yes, that’s my statement,” I said.

“Let the records show the defendant- Mr. Peterson- has issued his statement,” she said.

“The records show it,” the man named Clarence said.

“Good. Good,” she said.

“Now for my sentencing. All attention!” she said.

“I hereby sentence the defendant, Hugh Peterson, to two to three years unsupervised counseling, four months pool arrest, two and a half days of induced labor, and three hours reverse osmosis water boarding,”

“Your honor!” my lawyer said.

“Yes?” she said.

“You can’t do that!” my lawyer said.

“I can,” she said, “And I did.”

“Which one is water boarding?” I said.

“The terrorist one,” my lawyer said.

“Your honor!” I said.

“The terrorist one?” she said, “What’s the one with the boat called?”

“That’s wakeboarding,” the man named Clarence said.

“Ah, wakeboarding. Strike that, then, Clarence. And amend the records to say wake boarding, not water boarding, please,” she said.

“The records show it,” Clarence said.

“Well, that’s a relief,” I said, and everyone in the room laughed together, and then the lights flickered a little, and what’s the difference, I mean, what is life anyways?

WRITTEN BY

Max Stein-Golenbock